Deathmatch: Solid Snake VS Sam Fisher
by Doctor Vile
Summary: The first ever episode of Video Game Deathmatch pits Colonel Campbell against Colonel Lambert, Samus Aran against Master Cheif and Solid Snake against Sam Fisher in the ultimate stealth 'em up! Including Meryl on interviews.
1. Deathmatch: Meryl gets kidnapped

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, NEW YORK  
VIDEO GAME DEATHMATCH  
FRONT ROW SEAT  
  
Announcer: Hello, I'm Fox Chicken -  
  
2nd Announcer: - And I'm Turkey Mulder.  
  
Fox Chicken: Have we got a show for you tonight!  
  
Turkey Mulder: That's right, Fox. We take you live to the Gardens for three pants-filling, bloody and downright scary hardcore brawls subtly disguised as suitable entertainment.  
  
Fox: Just don't tell MTV, right Turk?  
  
Turk (stops smiling): Christ, no. They'd smash our pelvic regions into sticky bloody messes if they found out we were ripping them off.  
  
Fox: Uhh - yeah. Anyway folks for the curtain puller we managed to get Metal Gear's Colonel Rory Campbell out of jail long enough to step into the DeathMatch arena against his old nemesis Colonel Irving Lambert from Splinter Cell. Tell us about the undercard, Turk.  
  
Turk: Yep, sticky bloody messes. Sorry, what did you say Fox?  
  
Fox: Erm, nothing. Anyway, our second match is one for you shoot 'em up types as Metroid's Samus Aran goes head to head against the face of Halo Master Chief.  
  
Turk: And if you're a stealth fan you don't want to miss our mother of main events. After lots of persuasion made to various government agencies and sleeping with best selling authors our producer has managed to get Tom Clancy to send his main man Sam Fisher to try and out-stealth Hideo Kojima's legendary Solid Snake!  
  
Fox: And as though that weren't enough certain contractual knots and spelling errors have empowered us to hire the beautiful Meryl Silverburgh as an interviewer!  
  
(Cut to Meryl with a microphone outside Sam Fisher's locker room)  
  
Meryl: Thank you Fox. I'm here outside Sam Fisher's room in hope to get his thoughts on tonight's massive main event. (Knocks on door. There is no answer, only a soft click)  
  
Meryl: That's weird. Our security cameras saw him go in before.  
  
Turk (off camera): Why don't you see if it's locked, Meryl?  
  
Meryl: Err - okay - (she enters slowly. The room is pitch-black) What the hell? Mr Fisher, I was wondering if we could get your thoughts on - ow, I just stepped on something -  
  
Fox: (off camera) Are you okay in there, Meryl? Look for a light switch or something.  
  
Meryl: I can't see a goddamned thing here, Fox.  
  
Fox: Try to feel for a wall.  
  
Meryl: No shit. Mr Fisher, are you there?  
  
Turk: Come on, Meryl. I bet you're good at feeling for things in the dark.  
  
Meryl: Mr Fisher?  
  
Turk: Wait, what was that humming noise?  
  
Fox: I don't know - wait, Meryl, what are those three green dots behind you?  
  
Meryl: What three green - (screams)  
  
Turk: Oh my God, It's those MTV bastards again -  
  
Fox: Can we get someone in to help her?  
  
(Light is switched on. Four security guards run in. The room is empty except for a small device stuck to the wall.)  
  
Turk: What's that?  
  
Fox: It appears to be some sort of camera.  
  
Turk: And there's a note behind it! Security, get that note!  
  
(The security guards approach the camera. A small hissing sound can be heard as gas is released from the camera. All four security guards drop dead)  
  
Turk: Jesus, I hope Meryl's going to be allnight.  
  
Fox: Don't you mean "alright"?  
  
Turk: No, she promised she'd sleep with me if I got her a part on the show.  
  
(END OF PART ONE) 


	2. Deathmatch: Colonel Campbell VS Colonel ...

Fox Chicken: And we're back.  
  
Turkey Mulder: If you've just joined us it's because you've skipped a chapter because it started slow haven't you? You people make me sick -  
  
Fox: Whoa there, Turk. If you have just joined us, you missed Meryl Silverburgh's kidnapping at the sneaky hands of her boyfriend Snake's opponent in our main event: Sam Fisher!  
  
Turk: Oh, yeah, plus you haven't missed our other huge match tonight: Samus Aran VS Master Chief from Halo! I am so looking forward to that match. It could be the best fight of all time! And I should know, being a combat sports expert.  
  
Fox: Best fight of all time? What about the Rumble In The Jungle?  
  
Turk: Err - wasn't that a porn film starring Johnny Weissmuller?  
  
Fox: Never mind. But coming up next Colonel Campbell has the chance to fight for his daughter/niece's honour against Sam Fisher's superior Colonel Irving Lambert.  
  
Turk: I can't tell the difference between them. Hideo Kojima really ripped him off when he created Campbell. Tom Clancy must be rolling around in his grave.  
  
Fox: OKAY I think Campbell's coming out now -  
  
(Original drum beat from Metal Gear plays. An old black man in military uniform steps out, salutes the crowd and marches down to the ring)  
  
Turk: No, that's Lambert. I specifically asked him to shave off his moustache for this fight so that we wouldn't get confused.  
  
Fox: Campbell doesn't have a moustache!  
  
Turk: And that sounds like Lambert -  
  
(Splinter Cell music plays. An old black man in military uniform steps out, salutes the crowd and marches down to the ring.)  
  
Fox: And the fight is about to begin -  
  
(The two colonels, indistinguishable, stare each other down. Lambert grabs the mic)  
  
Irving Lambert: Whassappnin y'all? I 'as come to wish ma boay Sammy luck tonite!  
  
Fox: That is blatant stereotypical black man attitude, something Campbell fought against in his army years. Lambert must've paid off our scriptwriter!  
  
Turk: I think it's real nice of Irving to give support to his best operative as he has done many times in the past.  
  
Lambert: Good luck in bed with that b*tch he kidnapped!  
  
Turk: That bastard! He's got to be stopped!  
  
(Campbell grabs the microphone out of Lambert's hands)  
  
Campbell: You've gotta lotta nerve comin' out here and talking jive to me. But nobody calls my Snake a bitch!  
  
Lambert: You gottit all wong, grandpa. I was rappin' about -  
  
(Before Lambert can finish his sentence, Campbell slaps him to the floor)  
  
Campbell: Now who's the b*tch, b*tch?  
  
Lambert: (getting to his feet) What did you call me homey?  
  
Campbell: I'll give you a clue - (backhands him out of the ring)  
  
Fox: Trash talking and two vicious rights have given Campbell the upper hand.  
  
Turk: I don't know who to pick in this match, they're both so even.  
  
(Campbell steps between the ropes out of the ring and starts to gesture Lambert to get up)  
  
Fox: Campbell looking to continue his assault on the face -  
  
(Lambert rises. Campbell jumps on him knocking him backwards and repeatedly slaps him like a big tough girl man)  
  
Turk: Lambert's face has turned red!  
  
(Lambert pushes Campbell of him. He jumps towards him but Campbell ducks. Lambert goes head first into the ring post)  
  
Turk: That'll knock over a few chairs in the attic.  
  
(Campbell grabs Lambert by the hair and slams his face repeatedly into the steel post. Lambert is bleeding.)  
  
Fox: Oh my God, Lambert has more crimson on his face than - an episode of Captain Scarlet  
  
Turk: That's it? Captain Scarlet? What the fu -  
  
Fox: And now Lambert is fighting back.  
  
(Lambert grabs a steel chair from underneath the ring and smashes it into Campbell's face)  
  
Lambert: 'Ow's dat fore a b*tchslap, bee-hatch?  
  
(Lambert rolls Campbell inside the ring)  
  
Lambert: Ah mean, ya slept wid ya dead brofa's wife? Dat was low, man. WAY low.  
  
(Lambert smashes the folding chair into Campbell's nether regions.)  
  
Lambert: I fink I just found da Patriots -  
  
(Campbell pulls a stapler from his army jacket and presses it into Lambert's groin)  
  
Turk: I can't watch. Lambert, get out of there -  
  
(Lambert retreats out of, and then underneath the ring holding his groin)  
  
Campbell: Where are you going, you prick?  
  
Fox: That's a strategic retreat by Lambert -  
  
Turk: Strategic sh*t, he's turned chicken. No offence, Fox.  
  
Fox: Non taken. Now Campbell is rolling underneath the ring after his foe.  
  
Turk: Get that jived up twat, Rory!  
  
Fox: The atmosphere is so massive in this arena, our editor can't keep up with the unnecessary swearing.  
  
Turk: Cripple that piece of shit!  
  
Campbell: Get your fat ass out of there or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party.  
  
Fox: Tough words from a tough man.  
  
Turk: Snot party? What the f -  
  
Fox: Wait, there's Lambert emerging from underneath the ring -  
  
Turk: And Campbell's hot on his fat sweaty heels!  
  
Fox: Speaking of fat and sweaty, is that who I think it is?  
  
Turk: Yes! It's Fatman!  
  
Fatman: Laugh, and grow gastronomically challenged!  
  
Turk: He hasn't been the same since they mixed up his subliminal weight loss tape with the vocabulary builder tape.  
  
(Fatman takes a bottle of wine to the back of Campbell's head. He proceeds to set a mini-bomb to Campbell's arse and waddle out of the ring while stroking his hands. A huge explosion ensues followed by a rainstorm of blood and shit)  
  
Fox: Jesus Christ almighty.  
  
Turk: He does this at every party.  
  
Mills Lane: The winner: Colonel Rory Campbell!  
  
Turk: -  
  
Fox: So, were we just watching the wrong guy?  
  
Turk: No, it was a joint conspiracy by The Patriots and MTV to make us believe that we were watching Lambert beat the crap out of Campbell when we were actually watching a hologram of Campbell beating Lambert disguising what was really going on which was Lambert beating Campbell before suffering a Campbell comeback and eventually losing.  
  
Fox: Well, it makes a lot more sense than the ending of Metal Gear Solid 2.  
  
Turk: Which one?  
  
(END OF PART 2) 


	3. Deathmatch: Master Chief VS Samus Aran

Turk: Christ, that was a buggered up mess.  
  
Fox: Didn't understand a word of it.  
  
Turk: I mean, I followed the main part but the ending, that skull raped me bad.  
  
Fox: Let's not rent it again.  
  
Turk: Shit, are we on?  
  
Fox: Welcome back to Video Game Deathmatch. During the break -  
  
Turk: We were playing Metal Gear Solid 2.  
  
Fox: - Ahem, during the break we received news from our nuclear disposal team -  
  
Turk: They really came in handy in that Fatman VS Stillman fight a few episodes back.  
  
Fox: - that they had managed to stop the distract camera left on Sam Fisher's locker room wall from emitting toxic fart-like odours.  
  
Turk: Did they get the note that bastard left?  
  
Fox: They sure did. It said that if Snake could defeat Fisher he might be able to spend a few last love-filled moments with Meryl before they both die.  
  
Turk: What? That's terrible -  
  
Fox: I know. Killing both Snake and Meryl. He can't be allowed to get away with this.  
  
Turk: - "Last love filled moments." She's my girl now, goddamn it!  
  
Fox: Anyway, that issue will be sorted out in tonight's main event. But for now, Gordon Freeman from Half Life joins us in the commentary box for our next fight: Metroid's Samus Aran VS Halo's Master Chief. Nice to have you here with us Gordon.  
  
Freeman: Glad to be here.  
  
Turk: Waitaminute, you can talk?  
  
Freeman: Sure can. You don't become a nuclear technician without learning a word or two billion. Heh heh, I hardly ever get to use that one -  
  
Turk: Well, how come you never said a word in Half Life despite everyone always talking to you?  
  
Freeman: Valve cut it out. In those days it was considered offensive to have your main character speak.  
  
Turk: And these days we get to control that blonde guy in Metal Gear Solid 2 in the nick and not one tabloid kicks up a fuss.  
  
Fox: The good old days, eh Turk?  
  
Turk: Yeah! Hah! I wish someone would censor that guy's voice!  
  
Fox: What, he's not a girl? Hah! Anyway, Gordon, you sure know a few things about first person shooters. How do you think this next fight is going to go down?  
  
Freeman: It's gonna be one hell of a battle. I think that Samus' armouring may give her the edge if she wears her Prime suit instead of her Fusion one, but she can't compete with Master Chief's massive array of futuristic weaponry.  
  
Turk: Just to make things interesting though, we've hidden all of Samus' powerups underneath the ring. However, like shoulder cannons and the Playstation Portable, Master Chief's armour is compatible with these collectibles.  
  
Fox: I just don't know how to call it, Turk.  
  
Freeman: Hey, Turkey, why don't you go get the Diet Coke and popcorn? I'll cover for ya.  
  
Turk: I'll be right back!  
  
Fox: Samus Aran is expected down in the ring any minute now against the man she believes ripped her off. However, Bungie's counter argument was that Metroid ripped off Alien anyway and Retro Studios lost the court case.  
  
Freeman: Anyone who's not a video games fan will have just had no idea what you were talking about Chicken.  
  
Fox: I know. It's sad isn't it? Waitaminute, is that her now?  
  
Freeman: Where's that guy with my popcorn?  
  
(Creepy Metroid music tingles in the background. Samus Aran, fully armed, spacejumps from the Garden's ceiling and lands in the ring)  
  
Freeman: I hope Master Chief wins this so that her armour falls off. I completed all her games just to get that picture of her in her underwear.  
  
Fox: And now, Master Chief will make his entrance -  
  
(A small spaceship lands on the entrance ramp. The catch opens with an eerie hum. Master Chief steps out, much to the pleasure of Bill Gates who is sitting front row centre. Shigeru Myamoto does not look pleased.)  
  
Mills Lane: Now, I want a nice clean brutal hardcore shooting brawl. I will be hiding in the crowd in awe. NOW LET'S GET IT ON!  
  
Fox: And the match of the century has started!  
  
(The bell dings. Samus Aran charges up her laser cannon and fires. Master Chief explodes into a mass of bleeding polygons.)  
  
Turk: (drops the popcorn) What the fuck just happened?  
  
Freeman: We got ripped off.  
  
Fox: Shit, this crowd is getting restless. Cut to a commercial! 


	4. Deathmatch: Solid Snake VS Sam Fisher

Fox: If you've just joined us, you just missed the shortest fight in history.  
  
Turk: What a piece of shite.  
  
Crowd: FIX! FIX! FIX! FIX! FIX!  
  
Fox: We would have a riot on our hands now if it wasn't for tonight's huge main event: Solid Snake VS Samus Aran!  
  
Turk: Hey, what happened to that Half Life guy?  
  
Fox: He left in a fit of girly sissy rage. But he did leave behind this advert.  
  
Turk: (reading) "Half Life 2: The Sequel To The 1999 Game Of The Year. If you thought that was bad, you'll love this." What the fu -  
  
Fox: And that comes in with reports that Halo 2 has slipped to next year due to casting problems.  
  
Meryl: What's going on? Where am I?  
  
Turk: Where's that coming from? Can we trace it? Hang on, Meryl, babe!  
  
Meryl: I can't see - it's all dark - ow! Stop poking me! Ow!  
  
Sam Fisher: Are you listening, Snake? Hear her cry?  
  
Meryl: I'm not crying you bastard - ow!  
  
Fisher: Shut up you little -  
  
Fox: Ahem, Fisher, what are your demands?  
  
Turk: Yeah, we'll pay anything -  
  
Fisher: Silence! I'm sick at your poor attempts at humour and crap commentary. I am talking to Solid Snake only. Snake! Are you there? Listening in, huh? Well, listen to this. I have built in the foundations of Madison Square Gardens a labyrinth. In this maze many dangers await you, but if you can find your way to the centre you shall discover your precious Meryl. Still not tempted, eh? Well, also at the centre you shall find a year's supply of fags and Asian pin-ups. See you there!  
  
Turk: Did you hear that psycho, Fox? He's built some sort of maze in the arena's basement and hidden Meryl and Snake's indulgents in the middle! What an arsehole.  
  
Fox: Can we get a camera team down there?  
  
(A picture slowly comes into focus. Snake is walking slowly down the basement steps towards the maze. He retrieves his silenced pistol uncannily fast and holds it point down.)  
  
Fox: And the legend gets out his gun ready for battle -  
  
(Snake turns toward the camera and fires)  
  
Turk: We better shut up.  
  
Fox: Yep.  
  
(Snake has reached the maze. After turning the first corner he puts on his infra-red goggles and crawls slowly along the ground picking up claymore mines.)  
  
Fisher: Infrared. Hah! I've got night vision goggles! What do you think of that you big pussy?  
  
( As he gets to the end of the passage, he sets one of the mines up on the wall, steps away and detonates it. He walks through the hole made by the claymore and continues slowly. Eventually, he comes to a passage better lit than the others. Two cameras are on either side of the wall. He shoots one, disabling it, but the other deflects his bullet.)  
  
Fisher: Bet you never had to deal with armoured cameras in Shadow Moses did you, Fuzzface?  
  
(Snake pulls out his sniper rifle and uses it to take out the light. He then walks past blindly, using his hand to feel around the walls.)  
  
Fisher: What ya goin' to do now, Dave? What kind of name is Dave for a secret agent anyhow?  
  
Snake: You're right "Sam". Catch any fish today on your yacht?  
  
Fisher: Shut the hell up! You'll pay for that one Snake. Oh yeah. You'll pay dearly. And so will Meryl!  
  
Girl's voice: Help! Snake!  
  
Snake: What's the matter, Fish? Too pussy to face me one on one?  
  
(Just then, we can see three green dots appear behind Snake's back. A loud smack is heard, and Snake falls to the floor.)  
  
Fisher: What's up, Dave? No catchy one-liners? How's this for a punch line?  
  
(Another hard smack is heard.)  
  
Turk: (whispers) Punch line? What the fu -  
  
Fisher: How are you going to get out of this one, old man? I can see everything with my night vision but I'm invisible to you!  
  
(Snake suddenly ignites a stun grenade. The whole maze is lit up. Fisher is temporarily blinded)  
  
Fisher: My eyes! I'm not supposed to get concentrated light into them!  
  
(Snake proceeds to beat the shit out of Fisher before snapping his neck)  
  
Fisher: I - urg - splutter - get - u - snake - rrrrggg  
  
Snake: Run home to your daughter.  
  
Girl's voicel: Hurry up and save me!  
  
Fox: Oh no! Is Snake too late to save Meryl?  
  
Turk: Maybe, but I'm not! I'm gonna save her and get a piece of that ass!  
  
Fox: No, Turk! Leave this to the professionals!  
  
(END OF PART FOUR) 


	5. Deathmatch: The Finale!

Fox: We're back. Actually, I'm back. My co-commentator Turkey Mulder has gone to - erm - assist in Snake finding his beloved Meryl. Can we go back to the action?  
  
Production Manager: There's no point. When he detonated that stun grenade, all our cameras went offline. Plus an old lady had her cataracts removed.  
  
Fox: There's one thing I don't get. Why doesn't a stun grenade affect Snake?  
  
Manager: Look, this isn't my real job, okay? I'm only here part time.  
  
Turk: Part time? What the fu -  
  
Fox: Turk! Is that you, buddy?  
  
Turk: It sure is. I'm about halfway through the maze, about to take a right turn -  
  
Fox: Why don't you just go through the hole Snake left?  
  
Turk: I can't. I've got a Solid Snake.  
  
Fox: You don't seriously think you've got a chance with Meryl, do you? What would your wife say?  
  
Turk: She'd say go for it. I haven't seen her since she ran off with that MTV guy.  
  
Fox: That explains a lot. Any sign of Snake yet?  
  
Turk: No, but I think I can hear banging in the air vent.  
  
Fox: He must think you're a blind, deaf, partially sighted Genome Soldier.  
  
Turk: I'm planting a claymore on the exit to the vent system.  
  
Fox: No! You'll kill him!  
  
Girl's voice: For Christ's sake, where did everyone go?  
  
Turk: I'm coming, babe! Just step over this corpse -  
  
Fisher: urghh - get you - Sssnakce -  
  
Turk: I think I've found her!  
  
Fox: Just get her out of there and back to Campbell.  
  
Turk: You do know his name is Roy, right?  
  
(Loud explosion from the direction of the air vents)  
  
Fox: Snake? Snake! Sssssnnnnnnnaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkeeeeeeee!!!!!!!  
  
Turk: Hah, that nerd won't be stealing my chick. Now where's that Asian porn?  
  
Girl's voice: Did you say "nerd?"  
  
Fox: Get out of there, Turk! That sweet girly voice isn't Meryl at all! It's -  
  
Raiden: That's right! It's me, the true hero of Metal Gear games!  
  
Fox: Oh right. Never mind.  
  
Snake (Bruised and bloody): Ughr - Raiden - what the f -  
  
Turk: Snake? But you're dead!  
  
Snake: I know you are, but what am I?  
  
(Small pistol sound. Turk drops dead)  
  
Raiden: You bastard! He said he was going to do me!  
  
Snake: You're not Meryl, you fucked up tit.  
  
Raiden: My mom says I can be whatever I want to if I put my mind to it.  
  
Fox: Jesus -  
  
Snake: Look, nobody wants to play as you but don't take it out on me.  
  
Raiden: Shut up! I'll get you for this Snake! You ruined my career! I was the main character for three quarters of the game but you still pulled more girls in one night than I ever could in a lifetime.  
  
Snake: You're gay. And married.  
  
Raiden: That's not the point! You're just jealous!  
  
Fisher: Akk - ark - so - long, Snake - urk  
  
(Fisher pushes a small button on his stealth suit. The centre of the maze closes and locks up)  
  
Fisher: Urgh - oxygenless room, Snake. I - win!  
  
Mills Lane: Fisher is the winner!  
  
Fox: What a fucked up first episode. Don't forget to tune in next time!  
  
Editor's note: If you want this to be a continuous series, give me a "hell yeah" in your review. And don't mention that his name is Roy Campbell.... 


	6. Deathmatch 2 Spoiler!

So, what bloody brawl to the death would you like to see? I've had calls for Snake VS James Earl Cash and Stone Cold VS Roy Keane (can't you come up with anything better than that? Thank Prey Mantis for that one) and I'm considering a Manhunt Gear Solid for Deathmatch 3. But what do you think? Don't forget to write your review with your ideas today, and remember to check out Deathmatch 2 coming to a fanfiction.net near you (in front of you in fact) in the near future.  
  
IF YOU FELT QUEASY AFTER DEATHMATCH 1  
YOU'LL THROW UP ALL OVER DEATHMATCH 2!  
  
TOMMY VERCETTI VS DRIVER'S TANNER!  
LINK VS LEGOLAS!  
MAX PAYNE VS NICK KANG!  
  
SO LOCK AWAY THE GRANDMOTHERS  
AND GET OUT THE SICKBAGS  
BEFORE HEADING OVER TO ?page=&sortid=1&genreid=3&censorid=3&languageid=1  
&len=0&categoryid=480&pagetwo=  
NOW! 


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